Hold back the emotions you never want others to see

Back. Hi. :).
OK this picture is not the most nicest there is, but still do you see the fringe? Getting used to it, getting used to it. It's like a slant fringe/bangs cut. :(
it's okayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.

I don't feel good. Mixed mixed mixed. I'm sorry to those who I've disappointed, disappointing and going to disappoint.

gone.

I GOT $266.75 TODAY. HAPPIEGURLZX. :D

FALLING.

I'm falling into pieces.
Or am I falling back together?

Making this decision to 'see how first' made me feel like stuck.
A part wants to leave cos I just don't feel like it any more. Another part wants to stay. Cos I'm not a loser. And only losers quit halfway into their game.

I'm so close yet so far. Sure, only time will tell if what is right, is right and what is wrong. Wanting to win and not getting it. Wanting to fight yet you fall. Wanting to let out how you feel yet you know you'll fall. In the end, You. Will. Fall.

Pick yourself up or the little pieces of you all over the floor, after you've fallen. That's what winners do. But I'm not a winner. But I'm not a loser either. Better to be nothing than a loser. True? I'd rather fall so many times I turn black and blue then be called a loser.

Okay, I'll say it. Here goes.
Not being proud or anything but when you've been pushed back for other people, it kind of makes you feel sore. Maybe cos I've been told that I can make it if I try. I've tried. I've pushed and tried to meet your expectations. After trying so many times, I've given up. And I feel like a fucking loser. Yes, no harm in trying a bit more harder, push that little more to achieve what I wanted when I first joined: 1st. True, maybe I didn't try hard enough. To me, I've tried. Hard enough to make me fall. I'm seriously broken, really I'm not kidding. So stressed that when I see others stressed or sad or just fucked up over the same thing as me, I'll hide my feelings inside so that they won't know. So black and blue and shattered inside that it's stupid to even mention it. I may not tell you or show it on my face how nervous I am or stressed or angry over everything. I don't know, I just don't know.
Being pushed back. Okay. It's for the better of the team. Being told continuously how not good I am. Okay. It's for the better of myself. Being compared (I know I am). Okay. It sucks but okay. Truth is, I'm lying. I'm not okay. It sucks. Just fucking sucks. Cos in the end: being pushed back, being told how not good I am, being compared. To me, it's like calling me a loser. You don't know me. And you won't. I'm gonna put on a face and act like I've always been. I'm gonna try again but I'm not gonna act like I don't give a care any more.
Will any of you even read this?

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hello.